1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
