Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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