At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
