she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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