walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
