I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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