Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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