Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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