Where did you get a picture of my penis
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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