After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
