Screwed.edu
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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