THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
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So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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