you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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