who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
