I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
