Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
