OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
