You're so nebulous sometimes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she looked like the before picture.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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