Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
