He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
it glows. i had to have it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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