He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
