what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
