my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
should my penis look like a turkey
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Randomize
