I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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