omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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