2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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