I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
