She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
