vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
