she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
