Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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