I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize