I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
