Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
