Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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