Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Randomize
