She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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