Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
