ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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