Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
