its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
