Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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