Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I will be naked everywhere
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
