OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
