Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
