if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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