You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
