11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
