running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
