I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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