Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
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His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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