How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
