No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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