You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
