note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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