Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
