Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
