My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
