Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
