clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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